Monthly Archives: December 2014

LULL: AN ANALYSIS

Hello. If you have read Lull by Kelly Link, you may have some questions. Don’t worry. I’m going to answer some questions about Lull. Some of them may have been your questions. Or maybe not! I’m not psychic, this isn’t … Continue reading

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WARRING CHILDREN AND OTHER END THOUGHTS

Dear ARTICHOKE, Greetings from the great midwest! I hope your holiday celebration times are going well, especially now that you are (1) no longer covering for me at work while I sit around at home recovering from a concussion and … Continue reading

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JUDAS WAS A MIDDLE CHILD

Dearest ARTICHOKE, I tend to spend a somewhat questionable amount of time considering what would it would be like if I went out for drinks with an author. James Tiptree Jr. and I would get along swimmingly. Neil Gaiman and … Continue reading

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MUNRO TRIPTYCH

Dear ONION, I’m writing you a letter about some stories by Alice Munro. Neither of us saw this one coming, huh? (Well, you did, because I texted you about it right before I began writing this. And then I kept … Continue reading

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EXISTENTIAL TEA HOROSCOPES

Welcome to Existential Tea Horoscopes, with Mr. Aubergine.  Chamomile Tea: Christmas lights are created en mass in a land far overseas, produced of materials torn violently from the earth, sold from vendor to company to you to further a dysfunctional and … Continue reading

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ANOTHER EXCHANGE

ARTICHOKE: What was the name of that Lovecraftian succulent? ONION: W̼̱̲̥̻̻͎A̵̭̘̼̹̱ͅS̗̜̟̘̹̫O͎͈͞NG͉ ̪̹̳C̴̮A͔̬͍̱̬̙N͢C҉Ȩ͕͇͎̪R͉̩̻̺͕̘͔-̙B̮̘̩̥͠A̛̻N̯͓͖̳̭E,̴̺̞̱̜̲̬ ̮̝̱͍F͓̣̲͙̲̤̩͠A̘͡T̲̹̳̗̰̗H̸̥̝̳͚̫͍̪E̷̠̗̞R̻͔̳͖̹ ̬̰͍͖̯O̟͈̟͉͖̫ͅF̥͇͔̙ ̖͎̫̯ͅA͔̲ ͈̣̘͕̦̘̯T̶H͟O̧̙͕͎͙̜US͢A̡͔̱͎N̟D̺ ̫̬̘̬̗̺̫͟Y͙͎̞̟͖O͈̫̲͞U͙̪̣̺̼̱̕N̶͔̣̹̗̥G̳̹͓,͏͖̩̖̠̻ ̶M̛̼̯̮̠AṢ̨̟T̸̺̬̦E̴R͚̼͍̪̞͇͢ ̫̯O҉̭̙F͔̱̗͉̥ ͠S̨͈͍̦̘U̻̲̯̳̮͉̕CC̮̯̣̗U̢L̟͎̯͎̬̝̘E̹̤̤N͈̯̮̜T͇̺̝S҉͈̬͍̠̞̟̫,͎̳ ͈͚́D͎Ò͖̝̦̫ͅO̱͖̩͎̭ͅM̧͕͎͙ ̡̟͔̙O͕͕͓͕F̱͉͢ ̴̖̞̞͎̣̫W̭̖̻̜̮A͉̙L͎̠̥̳͍͝L̷̘̻E͈͍T̩̘͚̕S̘̩̠͔͈̭ ͍̝͎̻̯I̢̤N͈̞͎͖͝ ͎̥̤̀ͅT̠̻͜H͇̰́É̯̗ ͟Ḏ̠A͙̫͚̥͎̙͜R̫̯͚͙ͅK̩NE̟͎̯͉̹̮̙S͙͍̠̩̺S͟,̸͉̣̜̠ ͈̻̟̻͚̱̮H̭E̙̼̹̰̺ ̡͙̫͙͇̪̣ͅW̩̼͎H̟̹̬̕O͈̦̰ ͖̬̠̣̻C̤̗͙O̠̪̦̞̺̣̕M̠͇͙̭͇̮E͏̦̪S̗̥̺̦̮̭͘ ̰̳͉I̻͍̫̰̼͙Ǹ͇ͅ ̵̠̬͕͖T̼̬̳͕͈͎͘H̬Ę̮̩̹ ̻͓̹̳̤̣̕W̱̪͎̞̭̬I̤̭̹̗ͅC̛͙̘̝̪͎͎̣K͚͉E̳̭̣̝̣̞͜R͔̞͕̝ ̻̻̙̹̺̦̝B̯̙̘̣̬̰̫͞A̧̲̼̯Ş̫̙̹K̹̣̬̹̦͞E̦̣͈̬̤̰͚̕T̝͎͙ ̨̮̼͚͇̭̱O͉̬̼͙͔̯͢F̡̼̮̦͚̻ G͉͝Ṛ̺̳̬N͓̬̜͠M̤̗͔A̙͖̬͙̤ͅRĶ̱̹͚͚̖T̮͚,̺͟ͅ ̰̺̞̻V͠E͍̬R̨̮̖͈̖͈̘Y̬͓̹͎ ̶̬͔̼̖G̻̜͕̙͓O͚̣̜̹̪͎̕O͙̙̙̺̺͠D̢̪̝̬̫ ̷͉I̷̼̘͎̖̗̺͓N̷̞͚̘͉ ̜̤S̫͕̬̖̘̪ͅT͉͚̟̜I͍̠̬͎̣͍R ̗̖̮F̗͎͔ͅR͚̠̠̗̪I͚̫͇̣̮̥ĘS̪̘̲̻͈̞ͅ ARTICHOKE: … Continue reading

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AN EXCHANGE

ONION: I had a dream last night that someone was kidnapping various webcomic artists (Allie Brosh, primarily, but also Gingerhaze) and Draco Malfoy and I had to put aside our school day differences to team up to rescue them. ARTICHOKE: … Continue reading

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